


Respite

by QuothTheRaven_Nevermore



Category: The Infernal Devices Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Herongraystairs, Other, there is no happy ending to this i'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:47:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28401132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuothTheRaven_Nevermore/pseuds/QuothTheRaven_Nevermore
Summary: "This is a small mercy, a brief respite but that’s all it is, a moment in time to ease the burden on your heavy heart.”Tessa is allowed to spend a moment with Will and Jem on a cold, lonely night.
Relationships: Jem Carstairs/Tessa Gray/Will Herondale
Comments: 6
Kudos: 6





	Respite

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y'all, angst has overtaken me and this is what it produced. Also I read TID again recently and herongraystairs always makes me cry so I figured I'd combine them for maximum pain. This story takes place before Jem is cured and after Will's death.

Tessa walks into her flat, sighing quietly. She clicks on the light and looks around. Everything is as she left it. A pair of shoes is placed neatly by the door, the screen in the corner has a shirt draped over the top. It’s quiet, deathly so. Tessa looks outside. The sky is dark and snow is lightly falling. There’s a chill in the air warning of the oncoming winter. It’s as if all the world has decided to close their doors and relish in the warmth of home. Tessa knew what that felt like once. 

Blinking away the sudden stinging in her eyes, Tessa moves toward the corner of her living room, where a small record player sits. It’s small, bright blue and beside it sit a stack of records. One is nearly as crisp and new as when Tessa bought it. It’s a compilation, all the songs that were popular when she was a teenager. It’s rare that she can bring herself to play it, wary of the memories the notes carry with them. But today, she doesn’t think there’s anything else that can soothe her weary soul. 

It’s nights like tonight that she misses Will, misses Jem. She thinks of them, of Will gone into the next life, of Jem trapped in this current one and her heart aches. For both of them, for all three. What good is eternal life if this is how she must spend it? As the song begins to play, Tessa closes her eyes and wishes. She wishes that even for a moment she was with them again. Will and Jem and Tessa. Tessa and Jem and Will. That is how it was supposed to be wasn’t it? The three of them. Forever. They conquered the world when they were younger, Tessa thinks, only for the world to pull the rug out from under them. She swallows the lump in her throat. Giving herself to grief won’t do any good for anyone.

Tessa stands in her living room and sways to the music. She closes her eyes and imagines that she’s back in the Institute, in the grand ballroom that Charlotte decorated, hoping that it would one day be put to use. There’s no clockwork creatures or curses or illnesses to worry about. There’s just the three of them and a night that’s young. Tessa hardly feels the Change take her. Why would she? It’s not like her body is shifting very much. Her hair shortens by a few inches and her face grows slightly younger. But her heart, her mind are wiped clean. The vast majority of her memories are covered as if by a cloth, there but concealed, waiting to be uncovered. In a moment, Tessa has Changed into her seventeen year-old self. 

Tessa opens her eyes and gasps. She’s in the Institute. In a split second her astonishment disappears. Why should she be surprised? After all, she helped Charlotte plan this party. Tessa helped choose everything from the decoration to the refreshments, cracking jokes with Sophie and Cecily the entire time while Charlotte pretended not to laugh behind her hand. Someone had to be the adult, after all. 

She remembers watching as Gabriel stretched to hang the decorations, Will walking suspiciously close to the ladders, making Gabriel yell at him to go away. 

“Why?” Will asked him. “Afraid I’ll break your arm again?” 

Tessa remembers Jem picking the music, listening contentedly as he hummed various parts to make sure they fit the mood, pointedly ignoring Will as he antagonized Gabriel. “Some fights, not even I can stop,” he explained, to Tessa’s infinite amusement. 

“But I can,” Cecily told them, shoving her way through various boxes full of decorations to argue with Will. Within seconds they switched into Welsh until, with one particularly fierce hand motion, Cecily upset the ladder and Gabriel nearly did fall. Will caught him before he really did break his arm again and grinned at Cecily, who was pale as the snow falling outside. 

“Always a Herondale,” Gideon said dryly from where he and Sophie were setting the tables. Gabriel and Cecily turned impossibly red as everyone else in the room broke into laughter.

That was yesterday. Tonight the room looks ethereal, the witchlight causing the decorations to twinkle like stars. 

Tessa looks around, frowning. Where are they? A strange sort of panic starts to take over her. Where are they? Where? Where? Deep in her mind, Tessa fears that if she can’t find them something terrible will happen. Or already has. 

“Looking for us?” A voice asks. Tessa’s face breaks into a smile. Ah. There they are. 

Will is standing next to her, his eyes containing a thousand suns in their light, hair glittering under the lights. Jem is there too and if Will has the sun, Jem has captured the moon. His silver hair shimmers like moonlight on the sea and his eyes are more alive than she’s ever seen him. Her boys. Her heart. Her day and night. 

“Criminal of us to keep a lady waiting,” Will says. “Especially one as beautiful as yourself.”

Tessa feels heat rise to her cheeks.

“Although,” Will continues, “When one is as beautiful as me, most ladies find that it is worth the wait.” 

Tessa rolls her eyes, looking away from Will entirely. Laughter dances in Jem’s eyes as Tessa turns toward him. 

“My God,” Jem teases, taking Tessa’s hand. His delicate musician's fingers, long and slender, almost fragile-looking, grip her with a surprising strength. His hand is warm even through her gloves. “William, if you ever stop talking about yourself I might actually think you’re ill.”

“James, if you ever stop berating me, I might think you’ve lost your purpose in life,” Will shoots back good-naturedly. 

Jem laughs, loud and lively. It’s sound Tessa’s only ever heard a handful of times. It makes her heart leap. Before, Tessa remembers, Jem was too ill to yell, to scream, or even laugh like he’s doing now. It would send him into a coughing fit. But here, now, he’s cured. And he can laugh to his heart’s content. Warmth spreads in Tessa’s chest. 

Tessa lets Jem lead her to the dance floor, where Will seamlessly integrates himself into their position. Together, the three of them begin to dance. Tessa feels like she’s in a dream. To be here with Jem and Will is something she never thought she’d get. She squeezes their hands softly, smiling at them both. Twin smiles appear on their faces, no words necessary between them. 

She catches a reflection of herself in the mirror taking up the entire Institute’s ballroom wall. She’s dressed in blue, deep and rich, silver accenting her all around. Her jade pendant hangs on her neck, disappearing under her neckline. A silver ring glimmers on her finger although she doesn’t remember where she got it. She examines the ring closer. Three birds. Herondale. She smiles. Pearl earrings dangle from her ear to nearly her shoulders, matching the color of Jem’s eyes. Will and Jem look breathtaking. Both in black, suits fitted expertly to their bodies. Around them, familiar faces dance. Charlotte and Henry. Sophie and Gideon. Cecily and Gabriel. Even Cyril makes an appearance. Tessa smiles. A feeling of steadiness fills her, of the earth firmly planted under her feet, of home. Her family. She’s home.

Tessa sways and twirls in her room, mind lost to another age. As the song continues, her feet perfect the steps she once knew by heart. She imagines how warm and firm Will’s hand would feel in her own, calloused from training. Jem’s fingertips, roughened by hours playing the violin, but gentle as a snowflake falling to the earth. Tessa spins, watching as her boys spin with her, talking to each other softly as they dance, amusement and joy coloring their tones. Here there’s no illness, no time that ages them. There is nothing, except the three of them. As it should have been, as it ought to be. 

Tessa feels warmth on her cheeks, a flush from all the dancing she supposes. And yet she continues, letting the music direct her course, the song changing to one that tugs on a memory. High and sweet, two young boys finding each other, three teenagers taking on the world. It’s youth, it’s life, it’s Tessa as she remembers them, as she sees them now. She feels Will and Jem’s hands in hers, sees them in front of her, flesh and blood. And yet the song makes her heart ache. Why? Why? Why? Tessa realizes the feeling on her cheeks isn’t a flush from dancing, it’s her own hot tears. 

“Tessa? Are you alright?” She hears Will ask, his accent stronger than usual. That damn accent. The one that she could never get out of her mind even when Will thought he was cursed and was downright nasty to her. It’s the voice that’s haunted her dreams for decades. He sounds the way he did after a trip to see his parents, a short visit home bringing out the Welsh in full-force. Tessa frowns. Decades? How does she know he visits his parents? This Will, the Will in front of her is a boy, she is a girl. Seventeen. Will hasn’t seen his parents and yet Tessa is sure that he does later. 

“Tessa?” Jem asks. She looks at him. His face is beautiful, unmarred. Tessa’s frown deepens. Why does she expect to see slashes on his cheekbones? Her Jem wouldn’t have no need, yet the absence of them startles her. Tessa looks back and forth, her heart starting to race. This is wrong, this is all wrong. Will looks at her but even his eyes are wrong. Will’s eyes were a blue so deep you would drown in them, this Will’s eyes are like the sky on a cloudless day. They’re far too bright, pale like Will’s have never been. It strikes fear into her heart. She blinks and Will is back to normal, still looking at her in concern. 

“I’m fine,” she says, the words feeling like ash in her mouth. “I’m fine.”

Will takes her hand and spins her gently to the music. She hardly notices as the music shifts. Low and comforting. The sound of an old couple sitting by a crackling fireplace in twin armchairs that are worn with age, the leather cracked in places and worn in others. The feel of familiarity, of a life spent together, of home. It nags at a memory Tessa has stored away, so deep that even now she fights it. She holds Will close to, inhaling his scent, memorizing the feel of his body against hers. Will laughs at something Jem said and for a moment, they’re as real as can be. The music shifts again, soft and melancholy. The song is coming to an end.

Tessa recognizes the song now. It’s the one Jem played for Will before he—Oh. Tessa is crying again, full on body heaving sobs. She falls to her knees, the ornate dress she was wearing crumpling underneath her. Wills hands tear her hands away from her face. 

“Tess,” he worries, “What’s wrong?” 

Tessa pushes him away, hating herself for it. “I can’t—I can’t—I can’t!”

“Can’t what?” Will asks, voice as gentle as the fingers that brush against her cheeks, wiping her tears. It shatters whatever is left of Tessa’s heart. 

“I can’t lose you again,” Tessa chokes out, looking up at Will. She sees the most familiar blue eyes staring back at her. The ones she’d known even in death, in whatever existence comes after this one. The ones she fears she’s forgotten only to find herself choking up at the fabric of a girls dress or a flower at the market. 

Will’s smile is sad, “You won’t. You aren’t.” 

“Then why does it hurt so much?” Tessa cries, tears streaming freely down her face. 

“I’m no longer here,” Will says, looking toward the large windows in the room, at the moon and star-dotted sky. He looks at the sky as if it has all the answers. He turns back to her, eyes full of a love that makes her heart ache. “Not physically but I’ve never left you, Tess, not once. Nor will I ever.” 

“I don’t know how to live without you,” she confesses, remembering all the nights she lay awake in bed, heart aching for a boy that could no longer comfort her. 

Will kneels down, lifting her chin with his finger. He smiles sadly, “You already have.” 

Tessa realizes with a cold shock, that she’s lived longer without Will than she ever did with him. In a few centuries he’ll be nothing more than a footnote in the story of her life. The thought makes Tessa sick. She vows to never let that happen. 

“Will,” she says. He can’t leave, not now. It’s been so little time, a few precious seconds compared to the eons she’s been without him. She can’t let him go. “Will,” she sobs, “Please!” 

He wipes her tears, “I love you always, Tess, don’t ever forget that.” 

Cecily runs over, grabbing Will’s hand and saying something to him. In a moment, his entire face changes as he laughs, loud and boisterous. Then he’s gone, Cecily dragging him away to dance. 

Tessa watches as she walks away and blurs into the background, his body unrecognizable from anyone else’s. 

Tessa looks up, seeing Jem still standing there, understanding in his eyes. He walks over, shoes making gentle taps on the floor. He stops in front of her. 

Tessa looks up at him, her gray eyes like a stormy sky. Jem gives her a sad smile. He extends a hand and pulls Tessa to her feet. “I miss him too,” he tells her. “Everyday.”

“I miss you,” Tessa tells him. She grabs onto his lapels as if that would keep him there longer.  
“I’m still here,” Jem says, one hand stroking her hair as she sobs. 

“Where?” Tessa cries desperately. “I don’t see you, Jem, I can’t find you.” 

“And you won’t,” he says. “You can’t. You know why.” 

Tessa nods, her breathing having dissolved into gasping between shuddering sobs. “I don’t want to go. I want to stay here with you all. When we’re young, when we’re all alive.” 

Jen nods, “I know. I do too.”

Tessa looks up at him, into the silver eyes she calls home. “Then why don’t we?” 

“You know why,” Jem says. “We belong to the living. The other side of this river, another spoke on the wheel. We’re better off away from here, even if that existence feels like dying. This is a small mercy, a brief respite but that’s all it is, a moment in time to ease the burden on your heavy heart.” Jem looks at Tessa, his eyes as sorrowful as she’s ever seen them. “Tomorrow you’ll wake up and go on as you always do. We both will.”

“How?” Tessa whispers. “How do I go on knowing this place exists? That it’s waiting for me? For us?”

“Because we have to,” Jem answers. “We have no other choice.”

Perhaps because it’s Jem, the only other person who can ever truly know her pain that Tessa bites her lip instead of pleading further. She bites it hard enough to sting, to try and stop the crying. An anchor to help clear her head. Jem watches her, hand coming up to wipe her eyes. 

“We have to go, Tessa,” he says gently, as if to not break her. 

She shakes her head. She knows she has to and yet the mere thought is unbearable. All rationality leaves her mind. She can’t leave Will, can’t leave her family. Not yet. Not ever. “No.” 

Jem only looks at her with pleading eyes. “We can’t stay, not yet.” 

“I don’t want to go, not yet. I’ve barely arrived.” 

“Let’s go,” Jem repeats. “Before the party ends. Trust me, Tessa, you won’t want to see that.” 

Tessa looks around and realizes that the faces around her are shifting. There’s lines in Charlotte’s face, grey in Gideon’s hair. She gasps. To stay here, to watch them all age again would be unbearable. 

Tessa grips Jem’s hand tightly. “Why are they doing this?” 

“Your moment with them was just that, a moment. It’s over now and it will end one way or another.” 

With all the pain in her heart, Tessa nods. “Let’s go then.” 

Jem walks with her to the entrance, two large doors marked, as always, with the four Cs. His hand is warm in hers as he leads her away. Tessa looks back once, needing one last glimpse. Everyone is dancing some merry tune, swishing and swaying gracefully in a large circle. Youthful once more, looking like they did when she first met them. She sees Will who catches her eye and winks. 

Tessa squeezes Jem’s hand tighter and walks with him out into the night. 

Tessa blinks, back in her drawing room. On the old record player a song hits its final notes, one Will loved. For a moment she swears she can smell them. Will, all crackling flames and worn books, and Jem, delicate blossoms along with the oil he used to maintain his beloved violin. She can feel all the places they touched her, her skin still warm from their hands. In a heartbeat, it’s gone. Tessa is left alone in her living room, the tear tracks on her cheeks growing colder by the second. Her brief happiness melts away into a loneliness so profound she fears it will swallow her whole. Around her neck the Jade pendant weighs a hundred pounds, the silver ring on her hand crushing her finger. 

Tessa sits on her sofa, covers her face with her hands and cries.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, sorry about that. I'm literally the one that wrote it and I'm sad lmao. Feel free to let me know what yall think in the comments, I thrive off of strangers validating me.


End file.
